


See Me As...

by YumeLelouch



Category: Free!
Genre: Anxiety, Bullying, Chaptered, Coming Out, Crying, Dating, Depression, Established Relationship, FTM!Haruka, Haru's mother is unsupportive of him, M/M, Misgendering, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, makoharu - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-27
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-09 16:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5546561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeLelouch/pseuds/YumeLelouch
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haruka has a confession to make.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, everyone! Merry (late) Christmas! Here's an AN (Feel free to skip);
> 
> I'm a transgender boy, and I wanted to write about what this is like, using some of my favorite characters. 
> 
>  
> 
> NOTE TO READ:
> 
> I will be using she/her pronouns for Haru before he comes out. Because that way it's not as confusing (I hope).

Haruka woke up and sat in her bed, running her hands through her long, blue hair. She frowned, hoisting herself out of bed.

 

Let’s just get one thing straight. Haruka Nanase is a generally unhappy person. The only thing that really makes her happy...is her boyfriend and best friend, Makoto, and her friends, Rei and Nagisa, and Rin.

 

But… I guess you’d be unhappy too…

  
...If you were trapped in the wrong body.

 

**_“That’s right, I’m transgender. I suppose I’ve always known. I always felt like a boy. I noticed when I was about 3 or 4. I haven’t told my parents...or...Makoto. That’s what I’m most afraid of.”_ **

 

Haruka undressed out of her night gown and looked in the mirror at her naked self. She looked at her hair, which was well past her shoulders. She looked at her chest. She looked at her breasts, and realized how large they were. Then she looked down further-

 

“Stop!” she whispered to herself. She could feel the dysphoria rising in her. She quickly looked away from the mirror, and jumped into the shower. She stood up, and let the warm mist hit her body.

 

**_“I’ve also been depressed for as long as I can remember. The only thing that really kept me happy...was Makoto. And I’m worried that once I tell him that I’m transgender, he’ll...leave me…”_** she thought.

 

She stood for a couple more minutes in the shower and just leaned against the shower, crying. She collected herself a few moments later, and got out of the shower, looking at herself again, and her long, blue hair. Note to self: Chop off my hair. All of it. She blowdryed her hair. She looked at her makeup. She wanted to throw it out so bad, but she didn’t. She decided from now on she just wouldn’t wear makeup. She went in her brother’s room. “Kazuto! Can I borrow some of your jeans and a sweater?” she asked. “Sure, but...why?” Kazuto replied. “Um...for gym! I don’t want to wear a dress, you know.” she lied. Kazuto had given her a blue sweater and jeans that were baggy on her. You could barely see her chest. She walked downstairs, only to see her mother freak out. “Oh...Haruka! Honey, why aren’t you wearing makeup or a dress? People might think you’re...you’re a _boy!_ ” she exclaimed. “We don’t want that, now, do we?”

 

**_I do._ **

 

“Mom, it’s just for gym. That’s it.” She said.

 

“What will Makoto think?” Haruka’s mother asked. She froze.

 

_**Damn it.** _

 

"He won’t mind, why would he?” she asked, her voice wavering a bit. She looked at the clock. “Mom, I have to go. By the way...I want to get my haircut.” she said, running out the door.

 

Haruka arrived at school, seeing Makoto. “Haru-chan! You’re not wearing a dress! Or makeup!” he exclaimed. “You don’t have a problem with it...do you?” she asked. “No, of course not...I was just surprised.” he said, leaning down to kiss her on the mouth quickly. She kissed him back. “Um...Makoto...I…” she began. “I...have to tell you something.” she said, tears beginning to form in her eyes. “I...want to be a boy...I’m...I’m...transgender. I want to be a boy. I was born in the wrong body.” she cried. “God, please don’t leave me…” she broke down in his arms and sobbed. He held her and stroked her hair.

 

"Haruka…” he said. He took her face in his hand and kissed her gently. “I still love you. You’ll just be my boyfriend now. Not my girlfriend. I love you.”

_  
My boyfriend, not my girlfriend._

 

_Boyfriend._

 

 Haruka took Makoto’s face into his hands and kissed him hard. “...Haruka…” he moaned quietly. “We shouldn’t do this at school…” Makoto said. “Sorry…” Haru said, pulling away and holding his hand. “Aren’t you scared?” Haru asked seriously, looking into Makoto’s green eyes. “Scared of what?” he asked. “This. Me. Being with me.” He asked him. “Haru, why would I? I still love you. I don’t care what gender you are.” Makoto said, smiling, then grasping his hand tighter. “You’re not scared...of what people will say about you?” Haru asked sadly. “Not really. No, not at all, to be honest. I’m not worried about myself. I’m worried about you.” Makoto said.

 

“I’ll be fine…”

 

That wasn’t exactly true, though.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru gets his hair cut!

"Makoto, will you come home with me? To, um...you know...so I can tell my mother and Kazuto? I don't have the courage to do it on my own..." Haru said quietly. "Of course I will, but you don't think they'll be okay with it?" Makoto asked. "No...my mother always wanted me to be the perfect daughter. The girly, beautiful one. She freaked out this morning when I wasn't wearing a dress and makeup. She was appalled at the fact someone might think I'm a boy. I think Kazuto will be okay, but I just..." Haru grasped Makoto's hand tightly.

  


"It's okay, Haru." he grasped Haru's hand back. "How about after school we get your hair cut? And then we go tell your family?" Makoto asked. "The haircut sounds wonderful..." Haru said, looking at his long, blue hair. "Not ready to tell my family, but I suppose it's about time I did..." Haru said. "You're strong. You can do it." Makoto said, smiling at his boyfriend. "No, Makoto. You make me strong. You'll be there, so I can do it." Haru said, kissing Makoto gently for a few moments before pulling away. "I'll see you after school..." Haru said, letting go of Makoto's hand and walking to his next class. Makoto smiled and waved him goodbye.

  


After school, Makoto was waiting by the front gates of the school for Haru. "Hi." Haru said, with a small smile on his face. "Hey, ready to get your haircut?" Makoto asked. " _More_ than ready." he said, looking at Makoto. "Okay, let's go!" Makoto said, and they walked to the hair dresser hand in hand.

  


"What can I do for you?" the hairdresser asked. She was short and had black hair in a braid, and blue eyes.

  


"Um...I want...I want to get my hair cut, if possible." Haru said, shyly.

  


"How short were you thinking of going?" the woman asked, smiling.

  


"Um...I want it really short. Kind of like a pixie cut...except...a mens hairstyle." Haru said, quietly.

  


"You're sure? Miss, your hair is so beautiful--"

  


She stopped when Makoto looked her in the eye as if saying:  _"Leave him alone."_

  


"Okay, we can do that." she said, smiling slightly.

  


He watched with each snip of the scissors, each inch of hair fall to the floor, feeling relieved.

  


"Okay! We're all done! Do you like it?" she asked.

  


He looked at himself in the mirror. 

  


**_I look like a boy. A real boy._ **   


**_  
_ **

_****_Tears gathered at the sides of Haru's eyes, and he gave Makoto the biggest, brightest smile ever.

  


"I love it. Thank you." Haru said, to the hair dresser. They paid her and they walked home. 

  


Haru was still so happy. He was almost crying, he was so happy.

**_  
_ **

**_I l_ ** _**ook like a boy. A real boy.** _   


****

  


That's all he could think.  


  


Makoto looked at him happily. He had never seen Haru so happy. He took Haru's face in his hands and kissed him hard. Haru locked his arms around Makoto's neck, and Makoto ran his hands through Haru's newly cut hair. Haru kissed him back lovingly and matched his passion. "I love you," Makoto said, when he pulled away, their faces inches apart. "You look so handsome in your new haircut. I love you so much." Makoto said, kissing him one more time. Haru kissed him back, then pulled away and hugged him. He started crying into Makoto's chest.

  


"Haru, what's wrong?" he asked, holding his head to his chest.

  


"I'm so glad you still love me...thank you. Thank you for accepting me. Thank you for paying for my haircut. Thank you for helping me come out to my parents. Thank you for calling me handsome. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything..." he said, hugging Makoto tightly.

  


"No, thank you, Haru..." Makoto whispered, hugging him back.

  


  


  


  


  


  


  


  


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~~~~~~~~  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure when it'll be up (I still have to write it) maybe tonight! The next chapter is Haru coming out to his mom and Kazuto. Thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haru comes out to his mother, and his brother, Kazuto.

He was terrified.

 

"Terrified" couldn't even sum up the feeling that was inside Haru at this very moment.

 

He held Makoto's hand in his, thoughts racing in his head.

 

_My mother is going to hate me, ridicule me, not let me be myself. Maybe I shouldn't have cut my hair. I wanted it so bad. I wanted so badly to cut off those damn locks of hair, bur now...won't it just make everything worse? What will she say about me and Makoto? Will she give Makoto a hard time, too? I don't want this...I'm scared. And then I have to tell Rei, Nagisa, and Rin, and then the school, and I just...it's too much...but I can't be **her** any longer._

 

"Makoto." Haru said, his voice wavering. "What is it?" Makoto asked. He turned around to face Makoto, and he held Makoto's hands in his. "I'm...so, so terrified, Makoto..." Haru whispered. Makoto looked at Haru, he himself at a loss for words. Haru's eyes were filling with tears. He couldn't stand seeing his boyfriend like this. It made him feel so powerless, and he wanted to help him in any way possible. As Makoto was searching for the right words to say, Haru looked at him, and then threw himself into Makoto's arms, and started sobbing.

 

"Haru...I'm sorry..." Makoto said. "I love you, and I don't want to see you like this. I wish I could help, I just feel so powerless." he said, stroking Haru's hair. "Kiss me, Makoto," Haru whispered. "Please." he said quietly. Makoto nodded, and leaned in slowly, kissing Haru's lips lightly, while still holding his hands. Haru, on the other hand, wanted to kiss him senseless, out of desperation, thinking maybe, that Makoto won't love him anymore after all this.

 

"...Makoto. Let's go. Tell my family..." he said when he pulled away from the long kiss.

 

* * *

 

Haru and Makoto walked up to the house, and Haru's heart was pounding hard, against his ribcage. He had never been this nervous. 

 

"You can do it, Haru," he said, kissing Haru quickly.

 

And so, Haru mustered up all the courage he had, and held Makoto's hand tight, opening the front door.

 

Makoto and Haru walked inside, Kazuto sitting at the kitchen table.

 

"Is that you, Haruka--" Kazuto said, looking up and his face hardening in shock. "I'm...back..." Haru said. Haru's mother walked in right as he said this. "Haruka... _what_ have you  _done_?" his mother asked. "I...cut my hair..." Haru said. Haru looked at Makoto, and took a deep breath. "Kazuto, mom...I have something to tell you." Haru said, sweat forming on his forehead, his hands fidgety. "I'm...I'm transgender. I...want to be a boy...no, I am a boy...I was born in the wrong body. I'm a boy. I'm sorry I cut my hair without telling you, but I couldn't take it anymore, I--" 

 

"Haruka Nanase!" his mother yelled. "Don't call me that!" Haru screamed. "Please...call me Haru...please." Haru said, on the verge of tears. "You are a disgrace to this family. How do you think your father would feel if he were still alive?" his mother said, solemnly. "Miss Nanase, please..." Makoto said, hoping she'd settle down. "Makoto, don't tell me you support this disgusting sham, too?" she said, angrily.

 

 

"I support Haru because I love him, Miss Nanase. I'm in love with him, therefore, it does not matter who he is. I love him. And I will support him, even if you won't." Makoto said, clutching Haru's hand tightly. "It's not a sham. This is your child. And you should love your children for who they are." Makoto said. Haru's mother looked at him angrily."She will never be a boy. She will always be Haruka. My daughter. I hope you both find God and find your way. Because this is unacceptable and disgraceful." she said, leaving the room.

* * *

 

Makoto brought Haru to his room, and he sobbed in his arms. "Makoto...I hate myself..." Haru said, hugging him tightly. "I love you Haru, it will be okay, I promise..." he said, kissing him hard.

 

Though, Haru never believed it would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, I found out, the name "Haru" is more masculine than "Haruka", so that's why he would like to be called that, instead. I hope you enjoyed! See you next time! ^_^


End file.
